I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
