Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
