You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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