They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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