Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
