ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What changed your mind?
Being sober
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
