so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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