i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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