Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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