mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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