I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You work out of a Hotel?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Randomize
