"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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