since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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