Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
