can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
