I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
