so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
