Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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