You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
