dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
