then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
