You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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