I just cut my nipple shaving
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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