you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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