I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
