my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
