The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
