We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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