pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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