How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
