I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This toilet bowl is my home.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
