What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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