You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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