I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
