She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
