i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
