If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
