So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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