Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
