I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
