At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
