Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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