Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
