I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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