Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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