The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
