dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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