I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
