Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
