Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
