i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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