I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
