I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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