the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
