Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
